The Military And The Mommy

I'm watching a movie called The Shunning on Netflix. It's about a girl raised in an Amish household and community who finds out that she was adopted.
As I watched this, I happened to be cutting pictures out of October's issue of Vogue and stumbled across an article about a couple who pursued domestic adoption. The woman writing it explained the very difficult path they had walked after finding out about their infertility and the choices they made, the profile they filled out which listed the races, ages and conditions they would accept... No drug or alcohol use, any races, newborns.... And, despite the fact that I knew this woman was so much like me, a mother at heart, someone who could not bear children, to all appearances at least reasonably stable and responsible financially, I found myself so angry at this woman.... So angry. It's not her fault she didn't spend time in the foster care system, it's not her fault she didn't grow up knowing anyone with Downs syndrome, or in a wheel chair.... These things aren't her fault, and, really, her life is better for the lack of those struggles. Yet, to a woman who's been there, but doesn't have the financial ability to pay for adoption, turning a child away.... even a child with Downs syndrome... a child who struggles to live is the strongest of children, and children with Downs... there are no happier people on this planet than those who live with this syndrome. The love of a child, taking a child home and knowing that this child will not face the wrath of foster homes, or the misery of abuse at the hands of their parents, what more can you really want? Your child will love you whether or not you struggle for money, whether or not you're bloated, tired, cranky,if you have zits or a perfect complexion, whether you're a dog person, a cat person or don't particularly care for animals at all.... They won't judge you for the things potential dates might judge you on, or employers--- well, at least not until they hit their teens.
I am looking forward to becoming a foster mother. I know too well that it will be challenging, but I also know that, no matter what challenges I face in this experience, the children who aren't wanted, aren't loved or simply can't be taken care of by their biological families are those who are most in need of a home, of love, and of anything else I can give them.
So, as I transition, all-too-slowly, out of the US Army, I know that this path is the right one for me. The path of loving children who, like I have, believe themselves to be unlovable, or who's families cannot care for them, or who have already survived the unsurvivable... that's where I will come in.

Socially Special

I don't like people.
Is that a surprise to anyone at this point? Probably not.
Anyway, it's been a weird couple days- other than my time spent in nearly useless groups, I've insisted on spending a lot of time alone, which is something I haven't done in quite some time. Therapists call it isolating, I call it recovering.
An extrovert I am not.
I'm watching Bones on Netflix this evening, and, after watching an episode involving a foster child, something dawned on me as I watched the very introverted, hyper-intelligent, heroine talk to the boy about some all-too-familiar experiences. I can't put my finger on what made it click in my mind, but it hit me that some of the refusal to accept other people's requests is because of a self-preservation instinct that most people seem to act on, expecting there to be a hidden agenda for what appears as a pretty straightforward request from another person. I have trust issues, yes, but mostly because, I think, I don't generally expect people to have a hidden agenda that might put someone else at risk.
This mess of a thought process eventually led me to realize I am also considered good with people (some of them- the ones I WANT to deal with- and this is NOT my perception but something I've been perplexed to hear repeatedly) because it doesn't confuse or surprise me that most people need to be nurtured just as children do from time to time... I remember reading a book that talked about a foster mother who got very stubborn when told that she needed to treat a special-needs child in a way that corresponded to their biological age. Her response to this was to tell them no, she would not, that his needs were that of a much younger child and she would see to those needs so that he would stand a chance to progress past that emotional stage towards his older biological age. So, instead of insisting this child "grow up", she would hold him and rock him and soothe him as he needed, instead of demanding he behave in a manner he was not yet capable.
Even adults need to be, for lack of better word, almost coddled at some point- have their emotions validated, their worth stated and their needs met, even if in some brief, semi-indirect manner, like responding to a friend's frustrated email with a validation of the feelings they are expressing if not able to understand, and giving them a more objective version of the scenario they explained, helping them to see the bigger picture while validating their point of view of it and emotions stemming from it.
Nobody relates to the need for nurturing more than someone with Borderline tendencies. NOBODY.
It's nice to finally have a positive twist on my very unique, if rather skewed, view on the world.

Hidden

A week and a half in the hospital... again.
It's after midnight, three days since I've been discharged from my third hospitalization this year for psychiatric BS, and now I'm sitting here feeling like I'm hiding from myself.... Hiding what? I haven't got the faintest clue... I'm emailing a girl I don't know in person, and I'm shocked at how much I crave time with a woman... I have embraced the idea that I want a poly-amorous lifestyle, and that makes sense to me, especially with the way I feel about marriage, relationships and monogamy.... Yet there's something tugging at the edge of my mind, and I don't understand what the hell else I could be missing from this scrambled-ass television picture I have of myself at this point... I have known my whole life that I wasn't strictly attracted to the opposite gender, now I know about a multitude of things in my past that definitely shaped who I am, and things that I will have to fight, likely for the rest of my life, and..... what the hell else could there frigging be?!
The worst part might be not knowing.... or it might be knowing that surrounding myself with people, electronics and noise are yet another means of distracting myself.... but I don't feel anywhere near safe without such precautions at this point....
I feel so lost, so far from what I want to be and feel..... I want intimacy, but keep pushing people away. I want family but am so so so scared of anyone who says they'll stay... I don't know how to fix this without being alone, but I don't know how to survive without being around people....
All this horrible emotion building up inside me and I still don't even know what it is that I'm so scared to face...I'm so terrified.