Monday, May 28, 2012

Letting Go Of Abandonment

Abandonment has been both my greatest fear and my most painful reality.
I'm letting go of that.
I'm letting go of wondering who will be there in the end, because there's no way to know but to wait.
I'm letting go of other people's opinions and doing what's right for me, because I'm the only one who can make me happy.
I'm letting go of trying desperately not to be alone, only to wind up feeling that way in a relationship.
I'm letting go of the people who have hurt me- Jill, the rapists, exes. They don't have the power to control me anymore.
I'm letting go of holding on. I will feel what I feel, and I will respect myself enough to allow myself that much. I will stop holding it in and stop holding on to it.
I'm letting go.

Saturday, May 26, 2012

Funny Farm

Overheard way too early this morning: "There's only three things in this world to be afraid of: polar bears, lions and jello."
Oh my lord, I need out of here already.
I can honestly say I'm not the same person that checked in. I am sad at the thought of the number of people who will probably not be okay with the person that they see who comes out, but, for the first time in my life, I have some appreciation for who I am. I will not apologize for who I am, not after I've spent twenty-six years doing nothing but apologizing and getting out of everyone's way. I am starting again, for the first time, as myself. I don't know what I'll do to survive, I don't know what life will hand me or what will become of me, but I will find my own happiness the way I need to.
I miss my truck, my friends, my tea, my music, my jewelry, and my freedom. I don't miss work, but I know I'll need to deal with those people again, and I'll roll with it. I am not less than them, and I will not be treated as such any longer.
This is the fresh start I've been craving since I was so young. I don't know if the world is ready for it, but I am.

Thursday, May 24, 2012


I must sound so cold these days.
I certainly feel like I'm being cold in some ways, but I also know in my heart that what I'm doing is right for me, and that they are things I need to do. I will be changing my last name once my divorce is final, not to my ex's name, not to another man's name and not even to my maiden name. I am beginning fresh, starting a life of my own, for the first time. I am building my identity, from the ground up, because, truly, I have been so immersed in everyone else's emotions and my own past that I haven't had a clue as to who I was or what I wanted until very, very recently.
I wouldn't have had it turn out this way, I wouldn't have hurt anyone, had I had the option, but I see no other way to start anew without starting anew.
I must learn to take care of myself, even if it's taken me until age twenty-six to figure out how to do that.

Upside Down

I need to write this, I need to put this where it can be seen, no matter who it upsets, or who it makes uncomfortable.
I am a survivor of an alcoholic mother with Munchhausen By Proxy. I am a survivor of two rapes and one lesser sexual assault. My mother's constant badgering of my instinct and emotion, her constant refusal to respect what I felt and knew, her refusal to parent me in a way that I might become a functional adult, all left me without the skills to set appropriate boundaries for myself with others. The abuse is the reason I couldn't avoid the sexual assaults any more than what I attempted. At 26 years old, I understand this.
None the less, I am a woman, in her second marriage, facing her second divorce, barely coming to terms with the idea that I have a right to feel what I do, and a right not to be questioned about it. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have not had the capability to lower my walls enough to form a true trusting, loving emotional bond with any significant other.
When I am discharged from the hospital, I will be in outpatient treatment. I will also be moving in with a dear friend whom I look forward to being able to discuss all of this with, because this friend understands my PTSD, understands my symptoms and personality in a way I need. The man I married, who has repeatedly disrespected boundaries I have set since I came into the hospital, who has disrespected me in the process, whom my doctor felt was enough of a distraction from my therapy that he put a no contact order in place for the rest of my time in patient, has no understanding of these issues, and has appeared, at best, reluctant to work on the problems created by my problems combined with his lack of understanding of them.
I am starting a new life- one that will soon be void of the military, of marriage, and of anything but what I need to work on to improve myself and my life. Happiness has to be a goal, rather than something I am too scared to lose to ever attempt to obtain.
I do not ever intend to marry again. My time in the military has made it far more reasonable to marry than it would be otherwise, and I hate that I have let an outside factor influence me so. My personal values are quickly, and finally, being set in stone. Whatever changes, whatever comes after this I will deal with.
I am starting a new chapter in my life, and it will not resemble the previous ones in any way I can manage. I am learning who I am, and what I need and will continue to do so, this time with support and love from true friends and without regard for anyone who chooses to judge my actions or choices. There is no one right way to live, but I will find the one way- or many ways- I decide to live my life. Because I have only one chance at this, and I intend to do it right.

Monday, May 21, 2012

The Best Is Yet To Come

There isn't a single part of my life that isn't changing in some way right now.
It's scary, and it's dark, and I'm not really sure how I'll land on my feet from this one, but I have to believe that I will. Or at least hope.
There are a million things I'd hoped to be and do, and the reality of that is changing. I can be only one person, and I must choose who that person is to be.
Some people in my life, some who I'd thought very important before I began making my way through the darkest part of this, won't make it through to see the light at the other end. I'm sad that this is true, but it's something I need to do in order to survive. I need supportive, loyal, loving and understanding people. That limits the people I consider my true friends dramatically.
I'm holding on, I'm surviving, I'm making it, though some days I'm not sure how.
All I know is the best is yet to come.

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Checked In

I've been at an in-patient treatment facility for a little over three weeks now.
I had no idea how much I'd been holding in, or holding back, or holding onto, and nobody had been honest enough with me to tell me that it was possible for me to let it go and move on. I met a friend here, a true friend, who has had the strength and courage to stand up to me, to watch over me and, occasionally, hold me as I've cried, and to tell me when I'm holding on to things that are making me unhappy. He's been tough enough to tell me that it's time to let it go, to learn to be happy.
All of this is frightening.
Life is not as beautiful as I'd hoped it'd be as I prepared to possibly get out of here, but I'm quickly realizing that all I can do is encourage the healing process to speed up, to push myself harder to get more out, and to attempt to move on from the bad habits, negative people and poor choices that have haunted my past.
I'm no less scared of getting out of here, nothing short of terrified of returning to work, and to trying to face all of this from the outside world... but I'm starting to believe that I might be strong enough to pull it off.