Thursday, May 24, 2012

Upside Down

I need to write this, I need to put this where it can be seen, no matter who it upsets, or who it makes uncomfortable.
I am a survivor of an alcoholic mother with Munchhausen By Proxy. I am a survivor of two rapes and one lesser sexual assault. My mother's constant badgering of my instinct and emotion, her constant refusal to respect what I felt and knew, her refusal to parent me in a way that I might become a functional adult, all left me without the skills to set appropriate boundaries for myself with others. The abuse is the reason I couldn't avoid the sexual assaults any more than what I attempted. At 26 years old, I understand this.
None the less, I am a woman, in her second marriage, facing her second divorce, barely coming to terms with the idea that I have a right to feel what I do, and a right not to be questioned about it. I am also coming to terms with the fact that I have not had the capability to lower my walls enough to form a true trusting, loving emotional bond with any significant other.
When I am discharged from the hospital, I will be in outpatient treatment. I will also be moving in with a dear friend whom I look forward to being able to discuss all of this with, because this friend understands my PTSD, understands my symptoms and personality in a way I need. The man I married, who has repeatedly disrespected boundaries I have set since I came into the hospital, who has disrespected me in the process, whom my doctor felt was enough of a distraction from my therapy that he put a no contact order in place for the rest of my time in patient, has no understanding of these issues, and has appeared, at best, reluctant to work on the problems created by my problems combined with his lack of understanding of them.
I am starting a new life- one that will soon be void of the military, of marriage, and of anything but what I need to work on to improve myself and my life. Happiness has to be a goal, rather than something I am too scared to lose to ever attempt to obtain.
I do not ever intend to marry again. My time in the military has made it far more reasonable to marry than it would be otherwise, and I hate that I have let an outside factor influence me so. My personal values are quickly, and finally, being set in stone. Whatever changes, whatever comes after this I will deal with.
I am starting a new chapter in my life, and it will not resemble the previous ones in any way I can manage. I am learning who I am, and what I need and will continue to do so, this time with support and love from true friends and without regard for anyone who chooses to judge my actions or choices. There is no one right way to live, but I will find the one way- or many ways- I decide to live my life. Because I have only one chance at this, and I intend to do it right.

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