Monday, October 1, 2012
Yet, I also need to be able to depend on them. I need to know that they won't have to be babysat to complete things I must ask of them, and that they'll do the job right. I don't ask for much, at least I don't think so, so when I request the trash get taken out, I don't expect to have to go through the house and get the rest of the trash that was left behind later.I expect someone who can at least slowly work towards their own goals, and be relatively self-sustaining.
It's not that I don't appreciate someone around the house doing laundry and dishes, but I need someone who respects me enough to treat me like an equal- no lies, no manipulation, no half-assed efforts to get me off their back, no avoidance or silly games. I don't have children, much to my dismay, so it would be nice not to have another soul completely dependent on me, trying to get out of the things I ask them to do. I am a woman, and perhaps I have an old-school frame of mind on what a man should be, but I want an equal, someone who pulls at least their own weight, who I can trust to make the hard choices to keep me, and us, safe, even if those are difficult choices like needing to separate for a while. I want love and partnership, not a lopsided merry-go-round that always comes back around to the same damn issues and me being tired and frustrated with a situation I've done everything I'm capable of to fix.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
As I watched this, I happened to be cutting pictures out of October's issue of Vogue and stumbled across an article about a couple who pursued domestic adoption. The woman writing it explained the very difficult path they had walked after finding out about their infertility and the choices they made, the profile they filled out which listed the races, ages and conditions they would accept... No drug or alcohol use, any races, newborns.... And, despite the fact that I knew this woman was so much like me, a mother at heart, someone who could not bear children, to all appearances at least reasonably stable and responsible financially, I found myself so angry at this woman.... So angry. It's not her fault she didn't spend time in the foster care system, it's not her fault she didn't grow up knowing anyone with Downs syndrome, or in a wheel chair.... These things aren't her fault, and, really, her life is better for the lack of those struggles. Yet, to a woman who's been there, but doesn't have the financial ability to pay for adoption, turning a child away.... even a child with Downs syndrome... a child who struggles to live is the strongest of children, and children with Downs... there are no happier people on this planet than those who live with this syndrome. The love of a child, taking a child home and knowing that this child will not face the wrath of foster homes, or the misery of abuse at the hands of their parents, what more can you really want? Your child will love you whether or not you struggle for money, whether or not you're bloated, tired, cranky,if you have zits or a perfect complexion, whether you're a dog person, a cat person or don't particularly care for animals at all.... They won't judge you for the things potential dates might judge you on, or employers--- well, at least not until they hit their teens.
I am looking forward to becoming a foster mother. I know too well that it will be challenging, but I also know that, no matter what challenges I face in this experience, the children who aren't wanted, aren't loved or simply can't be taken care of by their biological families are those who are most in need of a home, of love, and of anything else I can give them.
So, as I transition, all-too-slowly, out of the US Army, I know that this path is the right one for me. The path of loving children who, like I have, believe themselves to be unlovable, or who's families cannot care for them, or who have already survived the unsurvivable... that's where I will come in.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Is that a surprise to anyone at this point? Probably not.
Anyway, it's been a weird couple days- other than my time spent in nearly useless groups, I've insisted on spending a lot of time alone, which is something I haven't done in quite some time. Therapists call it isolating, I call it recovering.
An extrovert I am not.
I'm watching Bones on Netflix this evening, and, after watching an episode involving a foster child, something dawned on me as I watched the very introverted, hyper-intelligent, heroine talk to the boy about some all-too-familiar experiences. I can't put my finger on what made it click in my mind, but it hit me that some of the refusal to accept other people's requests is because of a self-preservation instinct that most people seem to act on, expecting there to be a hidden agenda for what appears as a pretty straightforward request from another person. I have trust issues, yes, but mostly because, I think, I don't generally expect people to have a hidden agenda that might put someone else at risk.
This mess of a thought process eventually led me to realize I am also considered good with people (some of them- the ones I WANT to deal with- and this is NOT my perception but something I've been perplexed to hear repeatedly) because it doesn't confuse or surprise me that most people need to be nurtured just as children do from time to time... I remember reading a book that talked about a foster mother who got very stubborn when told that she needed to treat a special-needs child in a way that corresponded to their biological age. Her response to this was to tell them no, she would not, that his needs were that of a much younger child and she would see to those needs so that he would stand a chance to progress past that emotional stage towards his older biological age. So, instead of insisting this child "grow up", she would hold him and rock him and soothe him as he needed, instead of demanding he behave in a manner he was not yet capable.
Even adults need to be, for lack of better word, almost coddled at some point- have their emotions validated, their worth stated and their needs met, even if in some brief, semi-indirect manner, like responding to a friend's frustrated email with a validation of the feelings they are expressing if not able to understand, and giving them a more objective version of the scenario they explained, helping them to see the bigger picture while validating their point of view of it and emotions stemming from it.
Nobody relates to the need for nurturing more than someone with Borderline tendencies. NOBODY.
It's nice to finally have a positive twist on my very unique, if rather skewed, view on the world.
Saturday, September 22, 2012
It's after midnight, three days since I've been discharged from my third hospitalization this year for psychiatric BS, and now I'm sitting here feeling like I'm hiding from myself.... Hiding what? I haven't got the faintest clue... I'm emailing a girl I don't know in person, and I'm shocked at how much I crave time with a woman... I have embraced the idea that I want a poly-amorous lifestyle, and that makes sense to me, especially with the way I feel about marriage, relationships and monogamy.... Yet there's something tugging at the edge of my mind, and I don't understand what the hell else I could be missing from this scrambled-ass television picture I have of myself at this point... I have known my whole life that I wasn't strictly attracted to the opposite gender, now I know about a multitude of things in my past that definitely shaped who I am, and things that I will have to fight, likely for the rest of my life, and..... what the hell else could there frigging be?!
The worst part might be not knowing.... or it might be knowing that surrounding myself with people, electronics and noise are yet another means of distracting myself.... but I don't feel anywhere near safe without such precautions at this point....
I feel so lost, so far from what I want to be and feel..... I want intimacy, but keep pushing people away. I want family but am so so so scared of anyone who says they'll stay... I don't know how to fix this without being alone, but I don't know how to survive without being around people....
All this horrible emotion building up inside me and I still don't even know what it is that I'm so scared to face...I'm so terrified.
Sunday, August 5, 2012
The almost-ex-husband has been allowed to use his phone the last two nights, and has text me both of them. While I expected some sort of closure to come from this, it has created a lot of confusion and pain, and the feeling that I could have avoided much of the pain each of us have been through lately- something I cannot reasonably say is fact. He continues to tell me to stop blaming myself, but, in the throes of treatment for PTSD and Borderline, as I realize how inappropriate and wrong many of my behaviors have been, it is nearly impossible to see that I have done anything right.
Now, I lie here, in a bed I may soon be without, as it does not belong to me, and realize that I may, in fact, be truly incapable of human interaction without inflicting some sort of pain on someone. I've realized I'd rather feel too much than be selfish and uncaring to those around me, but, really, what difference does it make if the end result is the same?
I'm just another Borderline. Ten percent of us die by suicide. Most psych studies say we can't be cured. I won't live to an old age if this is true. I won't have children if this is true. I am ashamed that I have exposed so many people to the pain that comes with being part of my life already.
I wonder how much longer I can hold on to the ledge I have dangled from for so many years.
I had to take "pm" over the counter meds and write this all out to keep my impulses in check. This time, I only took the legal dosage.
How much longer do I have?
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Dialectic... A combining balance of opposites... Dialectic Behavior Therapy is the most commonly prescribed form of therapy for borderlines and those with strong tendencies toward such behavior. Mood swings... I hate you, don't leave me... Constant struggles to avoid real or perceived abandonment... Idealization followed by demonization...
Can I see both extremes, the truth of each, and still allow them to coexist? Can two opposites both be true?
How am I ever going to get better?
Friday, July 27, 2012
I'm fed up with feeling like I'm the only one feeling these things, like I'm the only one who over-reacts, the only one struggling. I go to group outpatient therapy from nine to four every day, Monday-Friday, and, honestly, being surrounded by a bunch of military men all the time, hearing them make the jokes I used to think were funny, talking the crap I used to get heated over and throw a put down in their face for... It's like I'm constantly being reminded of what I no longer am.
I know I have made progress, as I've gone from that unstable, constantly-changing, fluctuating sense of "self" that depended on who I was around to this emptiness, this total lack of self all together... I know I've overcome some of my issues because I recognize the all-or-nothing thinking, and, sometimes, I can even control it. Honestly, I usually think I do a pretty good job lately in controlling at least the majority of emotional reactions... But judging from other peoples' responses to them, I could definitely be wrong.
I feel like a lost cause. The numbness is becoming the norm, and I'm not used to being numb or calm, I'm used to passionate, overwhelming emotions. I don't know how to deal with a total emotional void.
Tuesday or Wednesday, I fell apart for the first time in a while- the life-changing, I-can't-do-anything-right, I'll-leave-you-alone, I'm-hopeless sort of falling apart. I spent nearly two hours sitting on the bathroom floor of the clinic I go to outpatient treatment at, sobbing, afraid to come out, afraid of what would happen if all the guys saw me that weak... The next day the subject of sexual coercion came up in group and I had to walk out just to deal with the tears that came at the mention of details. I am so tired of being this fragile person. I miss being tough and strong and unbreakable.
My heart pretty much breaks on a daily basis now. I guess, at least for now, that's what I've traded the worst of my temper tantrums and over-reactions for. I'm sure it gets better... I'm just really hoping that part comes soon right about now.