Sunday, August 5, 2012

Reach Out And Hurt Someone

The almost-ex-husband has been allowed to use his phone the last two nights, and has text me both of them. While I expected some sort of closure to come from this, it has created a lot of confusion and pain, and the feeling that I could have avoided much of the pain each of us have been through lately- something I cannot reasonably say is fact. He continues to tell me to stop blaming myself, but, in the throes of treatment for PTSD and Borderline, as I realize how inappropriate and wrong many of my behaviors have been, it is nearly impossible to see that I have done anything right.
Now, I lie here, in a bed I may soon be without, as it does not belong to me, and realize that I may, in fact, be truly incapable of human interaction without inflicting some sort of pain on someone. I've realized I'd rather feel too much than be selfish and uncaring to those around me, but, really, what difference does it make if the end result is the same?
I'm just another Borderline. Ten percent of us die by suicide. Most psych studies say we can't be cured. I won't live to an old age if this is true. I won't have children if this is true. I am ashamed that I have exposed so many people to the pain that comes with being part of my life already.
I wonder how much longer I can hold on to the ledge I have dangled from for so many years.
I had to take "pm" over the counter meds and write this all out to keep my impulses in check. This time, I only took the legal dosage.
How much longer do I have?

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