I went running today for the first time in about a month, and, hormonally speaking, my timing sucked.
It lasted less than twenty minutes, I have been hacking like a three-pack-a-day smoker since, and I still feel quasi-nauseated. My dog, however, thought it was the greatest thing EVAR.
She usually does.
Anyway, am I happy it was so short-lived? Not a chance.
Am I proud of myself for doing it at all? DAMN SKIPPY.
I'm not the best or the fastest- I'm sure not the most disciplined. I still got off my butt, put on my running clothes, and did it, though.
It was short, but there wasn't a single harassing comment or gesture the whole time, and, having PTSD and anger issues, I can't tell you how much better it made me feel that, at noon on a Friday, a heavily-tattooed woman and her dog could go running down a busy road and not get any sort of negative crap for it.
That will make it much easier to do in the future, no doubt.
I've been doing a lot of emotional work lately. I've started focusing on what attitudes and behaviors I have that make me happy, and which ones make me uncomfortable. I'm reading the book Quiet: The Power Of Introverts In A World That Can't Stop Talking right now, and I have to say, not only do I like it, but I'm incredibly impressed and surprised by this book. I have never considered myself an introvert a day in my life, and this book made me realize that, while friendly, I'm not actually an extrovert. I had, originally, started reading this book because I was hoping to get a better understanding of my generally not-outgoing husband. It turns out, that, in some ways, he's actually more extroverted than me. There's a difference between shy and introverted, and I'm the latter, while I believe he's either the former or an ambivert- about half and half. Shyness is more of a discomfort dealing with people, while introversion is more about how you process things and what energizes you- time to yourself or time with people. I need my alone time, in a very real way. I can enjoy being around people, but, as a rule, I absolutely must have some quiet ALONE time when it's time to recharge. I think my husband actually likes being around people, though he's just not someone who talks a lot. I love him not despite that but because of it. I can talk to him about anything- and he does talk more to me than to anyone else that I know of- but we can also just sit in silence and be totally okay with that. He doesn't feel the need to comment on everything that's said or done around us, and I really like that about him.
All that being said, I'm slowly learning to realize that my habit of responding to everything said to me is just that- a habit. It's something that I've learned to do to show people I'm aware of their presence and I don't completely despise them. In reality, I'm far more comfortable just observing and processing things for a while, rather than pressuring myself to immediately respond to the stimuli. I can't tell you the difference this one little thing has made for my emotions. Giving myself permission to keep my mouth shut has helped me tremendously.
So, I'm sitting here quietly sipping my green tea and writing, and mentally preparing myself to go see some friends of ours (and their ADORABLE infant daughter!) tonight.
I'm getting there.
Showing posts with label run. Show all posts
Showing posts with label run. Show all posts
Friday, April 6, 2012
The Plan
So, the husband and I haven't been eating as well as we should lately, and, while I can't bring myself to be upset about our occasional- or thrice weekly- indulgences in take out, because, man, it's just so much easier than cooking!- I also know that it needs to change. So, I've decided that, on top of pushing myself to go running and, hopefully, do yoga more often, the eating habits need to be improved too.
Mr Nice Guy doesn't have any problem eating the same meal frequently, and, even though he isn't a vegetarian himself, he has actively been trying to cut back on the amount of meat he's been eating. I wonder if his carb intake hasn't increased for this reason, and not the good carbs, but we're both trying to improve our habits, regardless.
I realized last night that, even though it may get boring sometimes, if I have 3 meals a day that I already have easy go-to meals for, I'll probably stop shamming out on the cooking quite so much, even if they're the same ones I had yesterday, so long as I like them and feel good about them. So, these are the things I've decided to start keeping on hand:
Breakfast: Yogurt, granola (I always have granola, don't ask me when THAT happened), fruit and oatmeal. I figure I'll only eat the oatmeal when I have time to actually sit down or a few extra minutes to make it to-go style, but with these on hand, I'll always have something quick to grab on my way out the door. I only eat certain flavors of yogurt, but I'm hoping my taste buds change to allow for the generic stuff.
Lunch: Many more traditional Buddhists believe it's less than purposeful to eat after around noon-time, because, after that, you're probably not doing it so much to fuel your body for the rest of the day as to, well, fill your stomach. I haven't gotten to the point where I can manage skipping my evening meal, but in an effort to focus on getting a lot of nutrition in during this meal, I am going to push the salads. Dark, leafy greens with peas, mushrooms and olives, at a minimum, are my plan. I'm hoping to gradually work in more diversity, but I'm going to start with what I know I'll eat, and go from there. (By the way, for you non-vegetarians, there's a LOT of protein in dark leafy greens, and you probably don't need as much protein as the Western meat-culture has you convinced. Many folks agree on about 75 kg if you're basing it on the generalized 2,000 calorie diet, or 0.8 grams per kg. KG=2.2 lbs. At 170 lbs, or 77 kg, I need 61.6 grams of protein. One 6 oz steak contains approximately 42g of protein.)
Dinner: I've gotten addicted to a concept I can only term as "refrigerator salad"- a term coined by a friend of mine who recently caught a glimpse of this concoction. The recipe varies every single time I make it, but the average is this: canned corn, a couple medium avocados diced, some feta cheese, green onions, red, yellow and/or orange bell peppers diced, and garbanzo beans (chickpeas- same thing). I might throw some of the ingredients in a pan, particularly the corn, to give it a grilled effect, but I generally try not to throw all of any ingredient in to be cooked. I've seen enough written conjecture and evidence that many foods lose nutritional value that I try to maintain as much of the natural state of my food as I can without losing flavor. I mix in some apple cider vinegar and seasoning to taste- Mrs. Dash Fiesta Lime is one of my favorites. It's just a cold everything-salad, but it is incredibly good, and neither me nor my husband have gotten sick of it, despite having eaten it at least two or three times a week for the last several months. There are so many variations you can make to it, just by adding a different vegetable or seasoning, and it's really healthy.
Especially during times my husband is out in the field or when he deploys, I'm really going to push myself when it comes to running and yoga. I know from experience these things always make me feel better- but motivation is key.
I can't get pregnant- in vitro fertilization is the only way. That is expensive, and, again, I'm just not sure that's the choice I want. While I still so desperately want to have children, I've come to terms with all of this, and understand that it's not meant to be part of my life right now. I have enough friends who are insistent that I will wind up with children that I have to have faith. Since pregnancy doesn't appear to be any concern, long or short term, I am looking at it as a push to get in shape physically. I will not ever have the excuse that I could be pregnant and I don't want to hurt the baby, or be able to convince myself that I should take it easy and I can lose weight after I have my child. I don't want to take it easy, and there's no reason to. This body is mine alone, and I need to start using it as the instrument that God created it to be. Most of all, I need to stop hating it, and using it as it was intended is the only way that will ever happen.
So, here's my plan. Wish me luck!
Mr Nice Guy doesn't have any problem eating the same meal frequently, and, even though he isn't a vegetarian himself, he has actively been trying to cut back on the amount of meat he's been eating. I wonder if his carb intake hasn't increased for this reason, and not the good carbs, but we're both trying to improve our habits, regardless.
I realized last night that, even though it may get boring sometimes, if I have 3 meals a day that I already have easy go-to meals for, I'll probably stop shamming out on the cooking quite so much, even if they're the same ones I had yesterday, so long as I like them and feel good about them. So, these are the things I've decided to start keeping on hand:
Breakfast: Yogurt, granola (I always have granola, don't ask me when THAT happened), fruit and oatmeal. I figure I'll only eat the oatmeal when I have time to actually sit down or a few extra minutes to make it to-go style, but with these on hand, I'll always have something quick to grab on my way out the door. I only eat certain flavors of yogurt, but I'm hoping my taste buds change to allow for the generic stuff.
Lunch: Many more traditional Buddhists believe it's less than purposeful to eat after around noon-time, because, after that, you're probably not doing it so much to fuel your body for the rest of the day as to, well, fill your stomach. I haven't gotten to the point where I can manage skipping my evening meal, but in an effort to focus on getting a lot of nutrition in during this meal, I am going to push the salads. Dark, leafy greens with peas, mushrooms and olives, at a minimum, are my plan. I'm hoping to gradually work in more diversity, but I'm going to start with what I know I'll eat, and go from there. (By the way, for you non-vegetarians, there's a LOT of protein in dark leafy greens, and you probably don't need as much protein as the Western meat-culture has you convinced. Many folks agree on about 75 kg if you're basing it on the generalized 2,000 calorie diet, or 0.8 grams per kg. KG=2.2 lbs. At 170 lbs, or 77 kg, I need 61.6 grams of protein. One 6 oz steak contains approximately 42g of protein.)
Dinner: I've gotten addicted to a concept I can only term as "refrigerator salad"- a term coined by a friend of mine who recently caught a glimpse of this concoction. The recipe varies every single time I make it, but the average is this: canned corn, a couple medium avocados diced, some feta cheese, green onions, red, yellow and/or orange bell peppers diced, and garbanzo beans (chickpeas- same thing). I might throw some of the ingredients in a pan, particularly the corn, to give it a grilled effect, but I generally try not to throw all of any ingredient in to be cooked. I've seen enough written conjecture and evidence that many foods lose nutritional value that I try to maintain as much of the natural state of my food as I can without losing flavor. I mix in some apple cider vinegar and seasoning to taste- Mrs. Dash Fiesta Lime is one of my favorites. It's just a cold everything-salad, but it is incredibly good, and neither me nor my husband have gotten sick of it, despite having eaten it at least two or three times a week for the last several months. There are so many variations you can make to it, just by adding a different vegetable or seasoning, and it's really healthy.
Especially during times my husband is out in the field or when he deploys, I'm really going to push myself when it comes to running and yoga. I know from experience these things always make me feel better- but motivation is key.
I can't get pregnant- in vitro fertilization is the only way. That is expensive, and, again, I'm just not sure that's the choice I want. While I still so desperately want to have children, I've come to terms with all of this, and understand that it's not meant to be part of my life right now. I have enough friends who are insistent that I will wind up with children that I have to have faith. Since pregnancy doesn't appear to be any concern, long or short term, I am looking at it as a push to get in shape physically. I will not ever have the excuse that I could be pregnant and I don't want to hurt the baby, or be able to convince myself that I should take it easy and I can lose weight after I have my child. I don't want to take it easy, and there's no reason to. This body is mine alone, and I need to start using it as the instrument that God created it to be. Most of all, I need to stop hating it, and using it as it was intended is the only way that will ever happen.
So, here's my plan. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Save Me
Today is my daughter's almost-birthday.
It would have been her birthday if I hadn't miscarried her a few months into the pregnancy, when my fourteen year old body, riddled with drugs my mother forced me to take every day, which I didn't need, could no longer keep both itself and a child alive.
I still love her.
She would have been eleven today.
It's been a long day, and the new therapist at treatment is most assuredly the devil incarnate.
Fortunately, I bring my journal to treatment with me- well, one of my journals- and I get more therapy from that than this woman most days.
Today, I cried- just like the last two days. The husband and I are still happy together, but the PTSD, in a combined effort with the military, is making our lives a living hell. Between flashbacks, ab responses, nightmares, blackouts, and field exercises, when we're together, we're mostly struggling just to avoid hurting one another.
I made a decision this afternoon that I'll have to make again in the morning. I'm going running tomorrow morning. I'm not going JOGGING in the morning, I'm going RUNNING. I'm going to run down the street, with my dog, around the corner, to the light and back, and if we have to stop, we will, but I'm going to try really hard to just let loose tomorrow morning. I don't want this primal side of me to be caged anymore. I can't open up at treatment most of the time, now because I don't trust the therapist, but also because of the guy who admitted to being a sexual predator and the guy who won't talk about anything but his penis and sex life. Maybe if I push myself to the brink, if I stop being scared of feeling fear or anger and just feel it anyway, and RUN like my life depended on it, maybe then the tears and sweat and pain and weakness will have a place to go. Maybe if I open the floodgate, I won't have to prod anything to come out.
I need this.
It would have been her birthday if I hadn't miscarried her a few months into the pregnancy, when my fourteen year old body, riddled with drugs my mother forced me to take every day, which I didn't need, could no longer keep both itself and a child alive.
I still love her.
She would have been eleven today.
It's been a long day, and the new therapist at treatment is most assuredly the devil incarnate.
Fortunately, I bring my journal to treatment with me- well, one of my journals- and I get more therapy from that than this woman most days.
Today, I cried- just like the last two days. The husband and I are still happy together, but the PTSD, in a combined effort with the military, is making our lives a living hell. Between flashbacks, ab responses, nightmares, blackouts, and field exercises, when we're together, we're mostly struggling just to avoid hurting one another.
I made a decision this afternoon that I'll have to make again in the morning. I'm going running tomorrow morning. I'm not going JOGGING in the morning, I'm going RUNNING. I'm going to run down the street, with my dog, around the corner, to the light and back, and if we have to stop, we will, but I'm going to try really hard to just let loose tomorrow morning. I don't want this primal side of me to be caged anymore. I can't open up at treatment most of the time, now because I don't trust the therapist, but also because of the guy who admitted to being a sexual predator and the guy who won't talk about anything but his penis and sex life. Maybe if I push myself to the brink, if I stop being scared of feeling fear or anger and just feel it anyway, and RUN like my life depended on it, maybe then the tears and sweat and pain and weakness will have a place to go. Maybe if I open the floodgate, I won't have to prod anything to come out.
I need this.
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