Hidden

A week and a half in the hospital... again.
It's after midnight, three days since I've been discharged from my third hospitalization this year for psychiatric BS, and now I'm sitting here feeling like I'm hiding from myself.... Hiding what? I haven't got the faintest clue... I'm emailing a girl I don't know in person, and I'm shocked at how much I crave time with a woman... I have embraced the idea that I want a poly-amorous lifestyle, and that makes sense to me, especially with the way I feel about marriage, relationships and monogamy.... Yet there's something tugging at the edge of my mind, and I don't understand what the hell else I could be missing from this scrambled-ass television picture I have of myself at this point... I have known my whole life that I wasn't strictly attracted to the opposite gender, now I know about a multitude of things in my past that definitely shaped who I am, and things that I will have to fight, likely for the rest of my life, and..... what the hell else could there frigging be?!
The worst part might be not knowing.... or it might be knowing that surrounding myself with people, electronics and noise are yet another means of distracting myself.... but I don't feel anywhere near safe without such precautions at this point....
I feel so lost, so far from what I want to be and feel..... I want intimacy, but keep pushing people away. I want family but am so so so scared of anyone who says they'll stay... I don't know how to fix this without being alone, but I don't know how to survive without being around people....
All this horrible emotion building up inside me and I still don't even know what it is that I'm so scared to face...I'm so terrified.

Reach Out And Hurt Someone

The almost-ex-husband has been allowed to use his phone the last two nights, and has text me both of them. While I expected some sort of closure to come from this, it has created a lot of confusion and pain, and the feeling that I could have avoided much of the pain each of us have been through lately- something I cannot reasonably say is fact. He continues to tell me to stop blaming myself, but, in the throes of treatment for PTSD and Borderline, as I realize how inappropriate and wrong many of my behaviors have been, it is nearly impossible to see that I have done anything right.
Now, I lie here, in a bed I may soon be without, as it does not belong to me, and realize that I may, in fact, be truly incapable of human interaction without inflicting some sort of pain on someone. I've realized I'd rather feel too much than be selfish and uncaring to those around me, but, really, what difference does it make if the end result is the same?
I'm just another Borderline. Ten percent of us die by suicide. Most psych studies say we can't be cured. I won't live to an old age if this is true. I won't have children if this is true. I am ashamed that I have exposed so many people to the pain that comes with being part of my life already.
I wonder how much longer I can hold on to the ledge I have dangled from for so many years.
I had to take "pm" over the counter meds and write this all out to keep my impulses in check. This time, I only took the legal dosage.
How much longer do I have?

Dialectics

Dialectic... A combining balance of opposites... Dialectic Behavior Therapy is the most commonly prescribed form of therapy for borderlines and those with strong tendencies toward such behavior. Mood swings... I hate you, don't leave me... Constant struggles to avoid real or perceived abandonment... Idealization followed by demonization...
Can I see both extremes, the truth of each, and still allow them to coexist? Can two opposites both be true?
How am I ever going to get better?

Tiredly Tireless

This Borderline crap is for the birds.
I'm fed up with feeling like I'm the only one feeling these things, like I'm the only one who over-reacts, the only one struggling. I go to group outpatient therapy from nine to four every day, Monday-Friday, and, honestly, being surrounded by a bunch of military men all the time, hearing them make the jokes I used to think were funny, talking the crap I used to get heated over and throw a put down in their face for... It's like I'm constantly being reminded of what I no longer am.
I know I have made progress, as I've gone from that unstable, constantly-changing, fluctuating sense of "self" that depended on who I was around to this emptiness, this total lack of self all together... I know I've overcome some of my issues because I recognize the all-or-nothing thinking, and, sometimes, I can even control it. Honestly, I usually think I do a pretty good job lately in controlling at least the majority of emotional reactions... But judging from other peoples' responses to them, I could definitely be wrong.
I feel like a lost cause. The numbness is becoming the norm, and I'm not used to being numb or calm, I'm used to passionate, overwhelming emotions. I don't know how to deal with a total emotional void.
Tuesday or Wednesday, I fell apart for the first time in a while- the life-changing, I-can't-do-anything-right, I'll-leave-you-alone, I'm-hopeless sort of falling apart. I spent nearly two hours sitting on the bathroom floor of the clinic I go to outpatient treatment at, sobbing, afraid to come out, afraid of what would happen if all the guys saw me that weak... The next day the subject of sexual coercion came up in group and I had to walk out just to deal with the tears that came at the mention of details. I am so tired of being this fragile person. I miss being tough and strong and unbreakable.
My heart pretty much breaks on a daily basis now. I guess, at least for now, that's what I've traded the worst of my temper tantrums and over-reactions for. I'm sure it gets better... I'm just really hoping that part comes soon right about now.

Borderline Between Crazy And Insane

I'm tired of the hell I put myself and everyone around me through.
The combination of Borderline Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is eating me alive, from the inside out.
I think I'm incapable of love.
I think I'm incapable of happiness.
I'm so completely lost.
I woke up this morning, emotionally exhausted and ashamed of last night's events.... again.
I know what today will bring, all too well, and I don't want to face it. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to try, I don't want to fight and I am so, so, so tired of crying I can't begin to explain it in any way that even vaguely resembles the rational side of me.
I'm tired of hurting the people I love. I know it's possible to get better, I know it's possible to live a life that appears normal.... But I don't know how in the hell I can ever hold on long enough to see that day come.
I'm exhausted.

Nobody's Angel

My stepdad called me Angel, when he was still alive. Would he still, I wonder? After three sexual assaults, after five years in the Army, after being a Carnie, after disowning my mother, after living the life I have, could this man still find it in his soul to see me as a creature of pure good? Or would he, too, see me as another product of a hard life lived, as so many seem to? Will I ever be an angel again, or am I doomed to be the "other" which I have fought so hard... This dark, dirty, angry, defensive part of myself? Is there any angel left? Is there anything still pure about me, anything unadulterated by the crimes I have witnessed or committed?
I tend not to think so.

Don't bother with pills kids

They take too long and mess up the goodbyes you already made.
Pills rage forever.