Borderline Between Crazy And Insane

I'm tired of the hell I put myself and everyone around me through.
The combination of Borderline Personality Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is eating me alive, from the inside out.
I think I'm incapable of love.
I think I'm incapable of happiness.
I'm so completely lost.
I woke up this morning, emotionally exhausted and ashamed of last night's events.... again.
I know what today will bring, all too well, and I don't want to face it. I don't want to do anything, I don't want to try, I don't want to fight and I am so, so, so tired of crying I can't begin to explain it in any way that even vaguely resembles the rational side of me.
I'm tired of hurting the people I love. I know it's possible to get better, I know it's possible to live a life that appears normal.... But I don't know how in the hell I can ever hold on long enough to see that day come.
I'm exhausted.

Nobody's Angel

My stepdad called me Angel, when he was still alive. Would he still, I wonder? After three sexual assaults, after five years in the Army, after being a Carnie, after disowning my mother, after living the life I have, could this man still find it in his soul to see me as a creature of pure good? Or would he, too, see me as another product of a hard life lived, as so many seem to? Will I ever be an angel again, or am I doomed to be the "other" which I have fought so hard... This dark, dirty, angry, defensive part of myself? Is there any angel left? Is there anything still pure about me, anything unadulterated by the crimes I have witnessed or committed?
I tend not to think so.

Don't bother with pills kids

They take too long and mess up the goodbyes you already made.
Pills rage forever.

Pain

I'm so tired of fighting... Will things never cease to go downhill? I miss Danger, I'm tired of fighting...
I'm so tired of this endless battle within myself.
Everyone tells me I'm the strongest person they know, but I'm too weak to be happy, to weak to have faith, too weak to keep holding on.

Letting Go Of Abandonment

Abandonment has been both my greatest fear and my most painful reality.
I'm letting go of that.
I'm letting go of wondering who will be there in the end, because there's no way to know but to wait.
I'm letting go of other people's opinions and doing what's right for me, because I'm the only one who can make me happy.
I'm letting go of trying desperately not to be alone, only to wind up feeling that way in a relationship.
I'm letting go of the people who have hurt me- Jill, the rapists, exes. They don't have the power to control me anymore.
I'm letting go of holding on. I will feel what I feel, and I will respect myself enough to allow myself that much. I will stop holding it in and stop holding on to it.
I'm letting go.

Funny Farm

Overheard way too early this morning: "There's only three things in this world to be afraid of: polar bears, lions and jello."
Oh my lord, I need out of here already.
I can honestly say I'm not the same person that checked in. I am sad at the thought of the number of people who will probably not be okay with the person that they see who comes out, but, for the first time in my life, I have some appreciation for who I am. I will not apologize for who I am, not after I've spent twenty-six years doing nothing but apologizing and getting out of everyone's way. I am starting again, for the first time, as myself. I don't know what I'll do to survive, I don't know what life will hand me or what will become of me, but I will find my own happiness the way I need to.
I miss my truck, my friends, my tea, my music, my jewelry, and my freedom. I don't miss work, but I know I'll need to deal with those people again, and I'll roll with it. I am not less than them, and I will not be treated as such any longer.
This is the fresh start I've been craving since I was so young. I don't know if the world is ready for it, but I am.

Change

I must sound so cold these days.
I certainly feel like I'm being cold in some ways, but I also know in my heart that what I'm doing is right for me, and that they are things I need to do. I will be changing my last name once my divorce is final, not to my ex's name, not to another man's name and not even to my maiden name. I am beginning fresh, starting a life of my own, for the first time. I am building my identity, from the ground up, because, truly, I have been so immersed in everyone else's emotions and my own past that I haven't had a clue as to who I was or what I wanted until very, very recently.
I wouldn't have had it turn out this way, I wouldn't have hurt anyone, had I had the option, but I see no other way to start anew without starting anew.
I must learn to take care of myself, even if it's taken me until age twenty-six to figure out how to do that.