Friday, March 16, 2012

I Remember

I remember when my husband used to look forward to seeing me, and be so affectionate and so excited, and we had so much fun. I remember when we'd decide to just go to the movies for no reason, and go to dinner to do something. He just wanted to be with me, I just wanted to be with him and we were happy.
Now, I spend a lot of my time talking to Buffalo Boy, because he gets what I'm going through, isn't going out to the field on a weekly basis, and he breaks down for me where I've screwed up and where my thinking is irrational. We don't do much, but it's easy to be with him.
My husband mostly seems to tolerate me- I know he still loves me, but I'm not any fun anymore, and it's getting harder and harder to open up to him. I can feel my defenses rising the more times I hear that he's going out to the field, the more I hear about preparations for deployments. I just wish he'd leave me sometimes so he wouldn't have to watch me freak out, fall apart, and melt down, especially when I seem so incapable of even talking to the man now. When he does touch me, half the time I don't want him to and don't know why. When he isn't touching me, all I want is to feel like he really loves me and wants to be with me, even though I don't even want to be with me anymore.
I want him to be happy, and he's not, not with me. I don't know if I'll ever get better, and there's a strong chance that I won't get much better than this. This may be what he wakes up next to everyday for the rest of his life- well, the ones that don't involve going to the field or deploying. I wouldn't be surprised if he cheated on me. I'm not capable of making him happy, I'm not even capable of making myself happy. I love my husband, and I want him to be happy....
And it's only 0630 in the morning....
It's going to be a long day.

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