Monday, October 24, 2011

In The Beginning...

Allow me to introduce myself.
I am a woman, also currently property of the US Army, in my mid-twenties. No, you don't need any more specifics on my age, now stop asking.
I have served as a medic in the Army for the last four years, and have been diagnosed with non-combat related PTSD. I grew up with direct and indirect familial exposure to alcoholism, depression, Munchhausen's syndrome, verbal, emotional and sexual abuse, and moved a lot- to say the least.
I also like candle-lit dinners, long walks on the beach and dogs.
I have been married and divorced, and am in my first long-term relationship in over a year.
I am currently focusing my energies on healing my PTSD issues, and finding a way to reclaim who I am.
It's not as cheesy as it sounds, I swear.
I married young, and divorced two years later. Shortly after that, I joined the Army, as a way to get on my feet. Having been an Army wife, and believing I knew just what I was signing up for, I expected to do a full twenty years or more in the Army and retire from this life. Right now, I take every day, sometimes every minute, one at a time.
In retrospect, my marriage was a way to move up and out of the unhealthy lifestyle I had succumbed to, and separate myself from the negative influences I had surrounded myself with. I didn't know that then, and my ex-husband and I are still good friends, despite not having children or anything else forcing us to speak. My ex-husband helped me grow up. I will never lose my gratitude towards him for that. He held me accountable for my actions, and pushed me in ways I never could have myself at that time in my life.
The army seems to have been another stepping stone. I have (slightly) furthered my education, and certainly gained discipline and a greater understanding of my country and the world at large.
What nobody could have prepared me for, however, was how all my childhood demons would come out of the woodwork nearly the moment I raised my right hand and swore my allegiance-and my life- to my country.
I have spent the last four years tangling myself up with these demons. Recently, the repercussions of my interactions-or lack there of- with these demons has forced my focus to them. I will heal my soul or I will lose it. I think anybody who has struggled with PTSD- combat or non-combat related- would understand that particular analogy.
Writing has always been my outlet, my vent, my escape. I have been given some compliments on it, but, really, it's always been for me. Today, though, marks the beginning of my true focus on these demons and of fighting them with everything I have. Hopefully, what I have to share might help someone else.
I am open to discussion and ideas, if anyone out there in the whole wide world of world wide web has anything for me.

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