Tuesday, April 3, 2012

To My Daughter

My Angel,
               Tomorrow would be your eleventh birthday. How do I say goodbye to a daughter who's face I've only seen in my dreams? I will never forget the changes you brought to me, and to my life. 
               Yes, you know you were a product of rape- but you were my child, my daughter, from the moment of your conception. That boy can never lay claim to the child that I carried in my body, however briefly. You were the only positive thing to come from the forced loss of my virginity, and, even though my fourteen-year-old body couldn't carry you to full term, you WERE a positive thing. So many years later, I still have been unable to let go of the loss I felt the day I miscarried you. I was young, and still a current victim of abuse at my mother's hands. You were the first part of my life I could call my own. When my body wasn't even my own, you were, and nobody has ever been able to take that from me. 
               I still don't talk to too many people about you, but you know that, don't you? It's hard for most people to understand the attachment I still hold to you. I would do anything to be planning my daughter's eleventh birthday right now, rather than questioning how I'll make it through the day tomorrow. I would have done anything to protect you, and I tried. I didn't press charges because I was more concerned with my daughter's future than our past. 
               I don't know how I would have kept both of us alive, had I given birth to you at only fifteen. All I know is that I would have done anything to manage it. I don't know what you would like, or what kind of things you would be interested in now. I just wish I did. I love you and miss you. 
                 Your Mama

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